the prospects of a long winter-hunter moon
style no matter how you choose must keep it simple. i could had done thes haricut myself, but i decided not tow, because i decided to go to the 3 Stooges barber that Fred reccomended to me. that s because 1 he recomended it, and he is a part of old europe, and i am new, and i am new her, so i want to make friends and for them to trust me i take the recomendation sos they know how i put myself in their hands that they do same me.
i did nt go to the party of steph, martha, and zoya. this be cause they are having it out there, and it is like a storm in here, a storm this i do not want to break into.
the sezuual tension between us am i right at the cinema were strong
when the nazis were on screen
when they showed the films that i saw this week
your foot touch ed my leg and my foot i couldn t sit still
u were the person who i was thinking about all week can’t wait to spend som more time with u
last nite Nathan and i were at the mosque kitchen for 3 pounds and me wondering what is sex
but really what “we could go to teviot and play pool” “or we could go to to a porno cinema”
today i try to keeping it all under wraps...i go to Portobello...the passion fading away...why
Slavog Zizek said that it is the most melancholy when desire starts to fade that it is the nightmare that desire will be gone
the void is what keeps us going to live comfortably at the edge of the void
when i cried the most was coming back from it
the lids peeled back from that eye from the tears and out my eye came till there wasn t more water too keep it alive and it actually turned into a stone roaring like a monster
that was my left eye
for 24 years I have lived a diciplined life. i used to think that it was undiciplined. i believed my own mind and life to be undisciplined and wild. in that i saw no pattern to my thought which quite easily became my action, due to the fact that i thought in words. one pattern i was aware of is that all word is action. in that pattern there was only chaos.
i cleaned my room. removing clutter, remains of the day, dishes, scraps of what i believed to be paper.
dear peter: it hurt when you said: you werent attracted to me as much as you had been.
i threw the scrapped cigarette into the collection dish which it was now raining into with medium force.
steph: making chili. bean chili without meat. it took half an hour.
the night where i experienced my american identity while in scotland. never returning to america.
Day dies like this. SS felt she was sinking. She lay on the sleeping bag for a while. Rubbing her hands, her feet, her breasts. Lobby was full of people when she went out. Bodega, train station, cross the intersection Avenue B and 1st. Sun setting East down B. Looking in basement windows, she easily spotted her friend.
Lonna was on the edge of the matress with a man who looked about 35. SS felt a pang of sharp grief that took no pity going through her system. Get out! Get the fuck out! She felt like screaming. She felt she was screaming at herself.
Bobby came to the door and admitted SS into the flat. Thank jeeesus you’re home, Bobby, how the fuck are you?
I’m OK. Having a smoke, you mind?
Go ahead man. I’ll be on the porch. Bobby came out with two drinks in glasses. The drink was dark and by then everything outside was dark. Except whites, whites remaining bright. SS sipped it and knew it was the mix Bobby made in big bottles. She couldn’t remember what was in it. Saw Lonna today. Saw her.
Oh, Ok. What are you doing about it? He knew she would do something about it. She hadn’t come here for nothing. He didn’t need the details.
I don’t know Bobby. It can’t go on anymore. I can’t let it happen again. She’s breaking me. Every piece from the core. The core from the meat.
Have another drink. He went back inside. SS felt an eternity of black in front of her at the porch. Brooklyn lay everywhere around that porch. She at the center of it. It was all there, and then the atmosphere, and then ever-expanding space. The blackness was a joy. She did feel joy in the inner pain. It was outer joy. It came from outside, and hit her everywhere.
Lonna’s face was in the blackness. It wasn’t dark, it was just black, like the middle of her eyes. Alright Bobby, I’m fine. I’m leaving. She said after the third drink.
Ok SS. You okay?
Haha, I’m fine mate! I’m walking home. Work tomorrow. It was an inner joke. She didn’t have work tomorrow. Thanks for the drink Bob. I love you man.
Ok SS.
On the way home, she stopped at Lonna’s flat. Her hands on the cast iron fencing. Her face was gone. Her feet inside her shoes were gone. The lights in the flat were gone. It was black inside. SS thought Lonna was in there, in a back room, in the dark. There was a little kitchen in there. Why would Lonna be in the kitchen in the dark? SS thought she knew why. It had to do with how Lonna herself wouldn’t know why she was in that kitchen. SS stood there with her hands on the fence. Looking right in.
It felt like a year, and then she suddenly opened the iron gate. It was easy, she didn’t have to devote any awareness to the action. At the door, SS was suddenly conscious. This action required something. She couldn’t remember what it was. She felt that she may not have the key to get in. She remembered that she didn’t have the key. No, she remembered that she didn’t need one. She stood there rubbing her eyes, mascara moving from eyelash to fingertips. She wasn’t aware of how long she stood there without trying the key.
The door of Lonna’s flat opened. SS stepped back. Miraculously, the man who appeared had nothing to do with her awareness, nor she to his. He did not see her, as he turned out of the door and up 4 steps to the sidewalk. SS was interested in a sensation against her hands. It was a paved concrete wall. It felt like a large, rough tongue. It was very dark. But that was only a feeling. She also felt that she wouldn’t turn around to inspect the tongue, but only to handle it backwards with her palms.
It’s for balance. She realized. She was using the large tongue for balance. She explained this to herself, though no one had asked. Lonna said okay. SS?
Yes, SS answered the question, allowing herself to enter the flat. The flat continued to be very dark. SS felt that it was much darker than the street. She no longer had more than basic navigational muscle sensations, I am near the television, to the right of my right leg. And, the ceiling is above me. I can almost touch it if I swung my arms up very quickly and were almost propelled into a jump. It might be enough to stretch between every joint in my body, without actually leaving the floor. Which is under my shoes.
And there was no more joy. It was very quiet. Something was gone, that was there before. SS could not remember what it was. She was trying to listen. She was taking off her shoes. Lonna was saying “what are you doing here, SS?”
SS was not responding. She was looking into what she felt was the eye of Lonna. She was saying something. The eye was saying something. It was very cold. It felt very underground. It felt like hell. “Who was that man?” Lonna didn’t respond to the question. SS wasn’t sure she hadn’t responded. She was sure she had asked a question, but could not blame the eye for not responding to it. Though she felt that she had asked clearly enough. Maybe she hadn’t. Doubt prevaded her body. She could feel it ringing through bones and joints and muscles. She was suddenly sure of it. That a sharp flowing doubt had taken over her body. It was because of the cold. It was because she might smell sex down there. And it was also because it was hell down there.
“I want you to get out of my life, forever” L.
“Can you never let him come back here? Will you promise that?” SS
“No, of course not. I don’t owe you anything.” L.
“There is no thing, there is no there, no not no no no no. Just no.” SS
“Are you drunk SS? Are you crazy” L.
SS had the sensation that the eye was shutting. She didn’t want to stick around for this. Doubt had brought back all her body, suprising to her, in the dark. It was there. She tried to say no, it wasn’t, but it was. All the blood and meat and bone. Ok, Ok Ok. She couldn’t argue with herself. Her self was inevitable fate. She was fatefully bound to it. Ok, she stepped out of the door. It had felt very long, very quick. Running through a narrow hallway. With tall ceilings nobody cleaned nobody looked at. Cept her. Which is fine. Fine. “I’m leaving then. I am getting the fuck out. Bye.” She closed the door. It was still dark outside. SS was surprised. It was a different color. Her foot was bleeding. Ha ha ha.
She held her shoes in her hands. Right-->Right. Left-->Left. It was very nice. The part on the back of her foot was in her hands. A car was hitting her. She was going down. Her head was going down. It was all shaking up. Ha ha. Her arm went down, then her head. It cracked-->the Arm. Ha ha. Very black outside still. Very soundful, with the car. Very humidity. And also...there was another sensation, it was of blindness. It was temporary blindness. It was because of the arm under the ribs. It wasn’t her arm. Yes, it was. But the other arm was not her arm. The other arm belonged to Lonnie, whose face was above the face of SS, which had appeared again on her head. The blindness turned out to be aware, thought SS. That the eye of Lonnie was looking into it, and saying something, like a siren: “weee---00000hhh---weeee---oohhhhh---weeeeeee----ohhh!”
END
style no matter how you choose must keep it simple. i could had done thes haricut myself, but i decided not tow, because i decided to go to the 3 Stooges barber that Fred reccomended to me. that s because 1 he recomended it, and he is a part of old europe, and i am new, and i am new her, so i want to make friends and for them to trust me i take the recomendation sos they know how i put myself in their hands that they do same me.
i did nt go to the party of steph, martha, and zoya. this be cause they are having it out there, and it is like a storm in here, a storm this i do not want to break into.
the sezuual tension between us am i right at the cinema were strong
when the nazis were on screen
when they showed the films that i saw this week
your foot touch ed my leg and my foot i couldn t sit still
u were the person who i was thinking about all week can’t wait to spend som more time with u
last nite Nathan and i were at the mosque kitchen for 3 pounds and me wondering what is sex
but really what “we could go to teviot and play pool” “or we could go to to a porno cinema”
today i try to keeping it all under wraps...i go to Portobello...the passion fading away...why
Slavog Zizek said that it is the most melancholy when desire starts to fade that it is the nightmare that desire will be gone
the void is what keeps us going to live comfortably at the edge of the void
when i cried the most was coming back from it
the lids peeled back from that eye from the tears and out my eye came till there wasn t more water too keep it alive and it actually turned into a stone roaring like a monster
that was my left eye
for 24 years I have lived a diciplined life. i used to think that it was undiciplined. i believed my own mind and life to be undisciplined and wild. in that i saw no pattern to my thought which quite easily became my action, due to the fact that i thought in words. one pattern i was aware of is that all word is action. in that pattern there was only chaos.
i cleaned my room. removing clutter, remains of the day, dishes, scraps of what i believed to be paper.
dear peter: it hurt when you said: you werent attracted to me as much as you had been.
i threw the scrapped cigarette into the collection dish which it was now raining into with medium force.
steph: making chili. bean chili without meat. it took half an hour.
the night where i experienced my american identity while in scotland. never returning to america.
Day dies like this. SS felt she was sinking. She lay on the sleeping bag for a while. Rubbing her hands, her feet, her breasts. Lobby was full of people when she went out. Bodega, train station, cross the intersection Avenue B and 1st. Sun setting East down B. Looking in basement windows, she easily spotted her friend.
Lonna was on the edge of the matress with a man who looked about 35. SS felt a pang of sharp grief that took no pity going through her system. Get out! Get the fuck out! She felt like screaming. She felt she was screaming at herself.
Bobby came to the door and admitted SS into the flat. Thank jeeesus you’re home, Bobby, how the fuck are you?
I’m OK. Having a smoke, you mind?
Go ahead man. I’ll be on the porch. Bobby came out with two drinks in glasses. The drink was dark and by then everything outside was dark. Except whites, whites remaining bright. SS sipped it and knew it was the mix Bobby made in big bottles. She couldn’t remember what was in it. Saw Lonna today. Saw her.
Oh, Ok. What are you doing about it? He knew she would do something about it. She hadn’t come here for nothing. He didn’t need the details.
I don’t know Bobby. It can’t go on anymore. I can’t let it happen again. She’s breaking me. Every piece from the core. The core from the meat.
Have another drink. He went back inside. SS felt an eternity of black in front of her at the porch. Brooklyn lay everywhere around that porch. She at the center of it. It was all there, and then the atmosphere, and then ever-expanding space. The blackness was a joy. She did feel joy in the inner pain. It was outer joy. It came from outside, and hit her everywhere.
Lonna’s face was in the blackness. It wasn’t dark, it was just black, like the middle of her eyes. Alright Bobby, I’m fine. I’m leaving. She said after the third drink.
Ok SS. You okay?
Haha, I’m fine mate! I’m walking home. Work tomorrow. It was an inner joke. She didn’t have work tomorrow. Thanks for the drink Bob. I love you man.
Ok SS.
On the way home, she stopped at Lonna’s flat. Her hands on the cast iron fencing. Her face was gone. Her feet inside her shoes were gone. The lights in the flat were gone. It was black inside. SS thought Lonna was in there, in a back room, in the dark. There was a little kitchen in there. Why would Lonna be in the kitchen in the dark? SS thought she knew why. It had to do with how Lonna herself wouldn’t know why she was in that kitchen. SS stood there with her hands on the fence. Looking right in.
It felt like a year, and then she suddenly opened the iron gate. It was easy, she didn’t have to devote any awareness to the action. At the door, SS was suddenly conscious. This action required something. She couldn’t remember what it was. She felt that she may not have the key to get in. She remembered that she didn’t have the key. No, she remembered that she didn’t need one. She stood there rubbing her eyes, mascara moving from eyelash to fingertips. She wasn’t aware of how long she stood there without trying the key.
The door of Lonna’s flat opened. SS stepped back. Miraculously, the man who appeared had nothing to do with her awareness, nor she to his. He did not see her, as he turned out of the door and up 4 steps to the sidewalk. SS was interested in a sensation against her hands. It was a paved concrete wall. It felt like a large, rough tongue. It was very dark. But that was only a feeling. She also felt that she wouldn’t turn around to inspect the tongue, but only to handle it backwards with her palms.
It’s for balance. She realized. She was using the large tongue for balance. She explained this to herself, though no one had asked. Lonna said okay. SS?
Yes, SS answered the question, allowing herself to enter the flat. The flat continued to be very dark. SS felt that it was much darker than the street. She no longer had more than basic navigational muscle sensations, I am near the television, to the right of my right leg. And, the ceiling is above me. I can almost touch it if I swung my arms up very quickly and were almost propelled into a jump. It might be enough to stretch between every joint in my body, without actually leaving the floor. Which is under my shoes.
And there was no more joy. It was very quiet. Something was gone, that was there before. SS could not remember what it was. She was trying to listen. She was taking off her shoes. Lonna was saying “what are you doing here, SS?”
SS was not responding. She was looking into what she felt was the eye of Lonna. She was saying something. The eye was saying something. It was very cold. It felt very underground. It felt like hell. “Who was that man?” Lonna didn’t respond to the question. SS wasn’t sure she hadn’t responded. She was sure she had asked a question, but could not blame the eye for not responding to it. Though she felt that she had asked clearly enough. Maybe she hadn’t. Doubt prevaded her body. She could feel it ringing through bones and joints and muscles. She was suddenly sure of it. That a sharp flowing doubt had taken over her body. It was because of the cold. It was because she might smell sex down there. And it was also because it was hell down there.
“I want you to get out of my life, forever” L.
“Can you never let him come back here? Will you promise that?” SS
“No, of course not. I don’t owe you anything.” L.
“There is no thing, there is no there, no not no no no no. Just no.” SS
“Are you drunk SS? Are you crazy” L.
SS had the sensation that the eye was shutting. She didn’t want to stick around for this. Doubt had brought back all her body, suprising to her, in the dark. It was there. She tried to say no, it wasn’t, but it was. All the blood and meat and bone. Ok, Ok Ok. She couldn’t argue with herself. Her self was inevitable fate. She was fatefully bound to it. Ok, she stepped out of the door. It had felt very long, very quick. Running through a narrow hallway. With tall ceilings nobody cleaned nobody looked at. Cept her. Which is fine. Fine. “I’m leaving then. I am getting the fuck out. Bye.” She closed the door. It was still dark outside. SS was surprised. It was a different color. Her foot was bleeding. Ha ha ha.
She held her shoes in her hands. Right-->Right. Left-->Left. It was very nice. The part on the back of her foot was in her hands. A car was hitting her. She was going down. Her head was going down. It was all shaking up. Ha ha. Her arm went down, then her head. It cracked-->the Arm. Ha ha. Very black outside still. Very soundful, with the car. Very humidity. And also...there was another sensation, it was of blindness. It was temporary blindness. It was because of the arm under the ribs. It wasn’t her arm. Yes, it was. But the other arm was not her arm. The other arm belonged to Lonnie, whose face was above the face of SS, which had appeared again on her head. The blindness turned out to be aware, thought SS. That the eye of Lonnie was looking into it, and saying something, like a siren: “weee---00000hhh---weeee---oohhhhh---weeeeeee----ohhh!”
END
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